Another disappointment

Going down in life except for the scales causes me great disappointment and even grief. To put it briefly it brings me to tears. In the last couple of years, I have stared down the long barrel of disappointment with my writing. All the monkeys out of my barrel of writing have not brought me luck. I have also made hardly any bucks like I used to.

This means I cannot tuck into my beloved shopping which is part of my life and my self-expression. In many ways I feel like a real goner or a has been. The worst is not making any money out of my craft or should I say drafts.

I feel on a dead-end street with my writing even though I have gone straight left and centre in trying to get it out there. I have not been able to spread the blanket and have gone all out like a light with many websites even with my much tried or should I say tired pieces of erotic writing.

I cannot even write a good children’s bedtime story for my nephews to save myself. At times I feel no longer like fighting the good fight especially when editors say my writing is not quite there or even right. This gives my ego a huge bite.

I feel like I am constantly banging my head against a brick wall. I can no longer easily mould or set my writing in concrete with the most technical of articles. I feel all my articles disintegrating into little particles like a burning inferno.

Sometimes I want to tear all my rejection notices into little bits. I have even felt that way with all my bits and pieces of poetry and half finished and lack lustre articles. The more I write and send things off the more I get bitten. I now feel like a rotten apple not being able to produce juicy bits of scintillating and exciting writing.

All my tiring and manic production seems to be going nowhere except for the nearest bin. I feel I cannot win with much of my writing these days. I just cannot churn it out like I used to. All the words, the ideas the concepts do not seem to fall into place like they used to. I feel like I have lost the rat race.

I now literally burn the candle out at both ends. I simply cannot handle all the many rejections. It leaves me feeling dejected. Is my writing too over the top and affected I feel? What is wrong with it? I wonder.

I have nearly gone crazy putting my writing out there in any form possible. I have tried all sorts of writing including both hard core and soft porn, gay and lesbian and horror and even sarcasm but again have gotten nowhere. How I wish I could seize and master all these different genres all at once.

I am now a totally desperate woman. I despair over my writing more than my hair. Have I lost my flair I feel as I write in my sloppy tracksuit and feel my writing getting even messier and unflattering in style than my tracksuit. And yes, my writing to add further insult has been called unsuitable on many occasions as well as again not quite right. How I wish I could get my writing to be terse and tight again and win the good fight.

I feel I just cannot get it together anymore no matter how hard I try to explore all my options and widely appeal to all the different websites and magazines out there. I feel my writing is way off the mark.

Again, it has gone off just like one of my rotten apples. I can no longer get my writing to fit the hard criteria or even get it to stick. This used to come so well and easily. I almost have little fits over all my unanswered and rejected pieces. Have I lost all my wits? I feel.

Why bother again? I often ask myself about no longer having an audience and just going solo. I feel really depressed that my writing is no longer seen as super as I do it on the computer. It does absolutely nothing for my ego. My writing keeps wandering along hopelessly around and around in circles.

However, it does not turn the magic circle. Again, I cannot even turn on the hard-core porn with my writing. I feel so forlorn not even being able to turn out a single hit with all my many articles.